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Baruch Hashem Adonaiבושאהמשהוהי

 

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES of MARRIAGE

Obeying Torah in Marriage

This article, a collection of wisdom from Scripture and various sources, will deal with the reasons our marriages either successful or at some point inbetween. The intent is to have a candid and forthright fresh look at what marriage is from a Scriptural point of view. I ask your forgiveness if it strikes acord. My hope is, that this article will be an incentive to have conversations with your spouse, as well as be an encouragement to you, as a way to stengthen the marriage relationship.

If you are like most couples, you had no training in preparation for marriage. There may have been scriptural references, but there was no formal training to qualify you as a husband or wife. However, of all the choices we make in our life time, the selection of our spouse and decisions we make on how to be a husband or wife, are the most profound and have the most far-reaching implications. Our children will come from those decisions and the process continues from generation to generation. In fact, we exist today because of decisions made by our parents. Our parents have had a mostly subtle influence on us with regard to marriage; they were our primary examples. Like any training, the quality has a direct impact on the success or failure of the endeavor. Since the institution of marriage originates in Scripture, let's look at what it teaches.

  TEN SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLES of MARRIAGE

  How we cultivate our marriage, will have a profound affect on our own well-being and that of our families. It will either yield great joy and fulfillment or heartache and disappointment. The principles are universal, as a foundation for marriage.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 1.

Man needs a Wife.

And Yahuah (Yahweh) said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Bereishis (Genesis) 2: 18

It has clearly been proven that men live longer and are healthier as a result of marriage. Companionship is a key component to marriage. To have the same companion from youth to old age is true friendship and love.  A “help” is much more than a mere helper. “Help” means companion; his counterpart; it means she is there until the job is finished. Help also has a strong spiritual tone. A wife helps her husband to meet Yahweh הוֹוָה.

In Bereishis (Genesis) 2:20, the Torah teaches that there was a search to find a helpmate for Adam. First יְהוֹוָה said (2:18): "It is not good for man to be alone; I shall make for him a congruent helpmate." We then find an unsuccessful search amongst all of the creatures that  יְהוֹוָה had created, until the Scripture concludes: "there was not found an help meet for him"/ "there was not found a helper for him, as his counterpart. "/"And for the man he did not find a congruent helpmate. "
Why did the Creator have אדם aw-dawm' Adam search to find a wife? Why does Mishlei (Proverbs) here communicate that it is difficult to "
find" a virtuous wife?

It would appear that אדם aw-dawm' Adam was being prepared for a אשּׁה ish-shaw' wife. The Creator employed a process of having Adam go in a quest through the creatures that had been created to indicate the need for an appropriate mate. If חוּה chavvâh Eve had been offered as a אשּׁה ish-shaw' wife without sufficient introduction, Adam may have considered her an encumbrance or a rival. Every benefit is always appreciated more fully if it arrives after its need is felt.

This may be a reason why  יְהוֹוָה seems to withhold from some people their finding of the “right one” for a long time. They should contemplate the need for a אשּׁה ish-shaw' wife and sincerely request  יְהוֹוָה’s assistance in their quest.

As Mishlei (Proverbs) 18:22 sums up this matter: “He who finds a wife finds good, and he obtains favor from יְהוֹוָה!”

Her Value Is Far Greater than Rubies [Pearls, jewels] now makes the connection to the first part of the verse obvious. After a search, one realizes that a wife is far more valuable than all of the possible wealth in the world.

Generally there is a tendency to misjudge the value of the marriage relationship. One may feel if he had made enough money, he could buy most of the services that would be needed and manage without marriage. But יְהוֹוָה knows better. It is not good for man to be alone!” A wife is the “good” helpmate, that is the greatest earthly find he will ever discover. Let him make the best of it and utilize the opportunity fully by appreciating הוֹוָה’s gift to him in fulfillment of the verse: "Rejoice with the wife of your youth” Mishlei (Proverbs)5:18. If you have the right attitude and you work on understanding and appreciating יְהוֹוָה’s ways, you will have cause to rejoice endlessly. However, one who rejects a pious and wise woman fails the test and loses the greatest wealth.

This verse obligates us to continuously pray to יְהוֹוָה for assistance in “finding.” Tehillim (Psalms) 32:6 teaches: "For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found/ Let every pious person pray to You at a time of finding.” The Gemara (from Aramaic גמרא gamar; literally, "[to] study" or "learning by tradition")(Berachos/brachot [blessings] 8a) explains: “At the time of finding a wife.” Thus, we must pray first to find the right partner and then continue to pray all of our lives that we should appreciate the incredible find that יְהוֹוָה has provided for us.
Second, the Sages would ask one, soon after they were married, whether they had “found” a wife or whether they were “finding” a wife. This is explained as referring to either of these verses:

“One who found a wife has found goodness” - Mishlei (Proverbs)18:22
“I find more bitter than death a woman” - Koheles (Ecclesiastes)7:26

This is puzzling. What is the purpose of the question? The difference lies in the tense of the word “found” or “finding.” The verse in Mishlei (Proverbs) is worded in the past tense, whereas the verse in Koheles (Ecclesiastes) is worded in the present tense. This teaches us that our happiness is in our hands! If we decide to appreciate the great find that יְהוֹוָה has bestowed on us, we are fortunate. However, one who is still seeking for another will find trouble. We must open our eyes and rejoice in what we have been given!

10: Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12: She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
--  Mishlei (Proverbs) 31

Consider this for moment, how frequently do you see real rubies, diamonds, emeralds or pearls. The Bible says that an excellent wife is more rare than jewels. Husbands may not be experts about precious gems, but they can discern a wife more rare than jewels. He knows what trusting in her means and how he will be safe with her the rest of his life. He knows that her great value is not about gain or investment. He knows that she is priceless and can never be replaced.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 2.  

Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman, initiated by the exchange of vows.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. -- Bereishis (Genesis) 2: 24

Marriage is a covenant; not a partnership or a contract. Partnerships and contracts are agreements of “consideration given for consideration received.”  A covenant is not made primarily to gain value nor to exchange one thing for another. It is not maintained by both parties meeting their obligations; it is the giving one's self regardless of the return value. A covenant is forever or until it can no longer be done, “until death do us part.” This covenant establishes a “home.” A marriage covenant establishes a preference in relationship greater than parent and child. A marriage covenant creates a new reality that the whole of creation accepts, including the Creator.

This is why a divorce is more than breaking a contract. A divorce rips the very fabric of the soul when the marriage covenant is broken. A broken vow, an oath that is breached, or a pledge not fulfilled is an internal dilemma reaching deep into the person that no soothing balm can reach.  A broken contract can be solved by paying for the damages, but the damage of a broken covenant continues long after.

Some men and women never quite leave their father and mother when they get married. Consequently, they have not chosen their spouse above all others. In truth of fact, they never made the proper marriage covenant from the beginning and results become inevitable.

Becoming “one flesh” is the consummation of the verbal vows, but it is not a replacement for them. Becoming “one flesh” before the vows of marriage is fornication and distorts the entire pattern and purpose of intimacy in the marriage.

SCRIPTUAL PRINCIPLE # 3.

The Husband is the head of, and responsible for the marriage.

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
-- Genesis 3: 16

This verse is probably hated by more women than any other verse in the Bible. The spirit of rebellion will not sit idly by in the heart of a woman when she hears the words, “he shall rule over you.” To a woman, these words confront her unbelief and mistrust in her husband; is evidence of not loving her husband. Love believes all things.

True mature leaders know that the authority to rule comes after full responsibility has been accepted. True authority is given by those who are under the rule. Demanding authority over another or exercising that authority to prove its existence is a leader on the path to failure. A wife's desire for her husband will naturally result in her giving him authority over her, because she believes he has taken full responsibility for her.

The marriage should progress with the husband initiating and the wife completing. Should a change be required or should something need to be initiated, it is the husband's responsibility and duty to start the actions. The wife is to look to her husband and help him bring about solutions.

Does this mean that the husband is to blame when something goes wrong; if the marriage fails? No. Taking responsibility is not concerned with finding fault and placing blame; signs of immaturity. Taking responsibility is focused on improvement and correction – doing it better.

The husband should listen to the advise of his wife and take it into consideration in his decisions. Her incites are of value. She will percieve things he may have overlooked. With  יְהוֹוָהYahuah (Yahweh), husband and wife in one accord, the right decisions will result.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 4.

The Husband is commanded by  יְהוֹוָה to love his wife.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Messiah (Christ) also loved the church, and gave himself for it
That he might
sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
That he might
present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy
[ ἅγιος hagios hag'-ee-os From ἅγος hagos (an awful thing) compare G53, [H2282]; sacred (physically pure, morally blameless or religious, ceremonially consecrated): - (most) holy (one, thing), saint. ] and without blemish.
So ought men to
love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but
nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be
joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
 This is a
great mystery: but I speak concerning messiah (Christ) and the church.
-- Ephesians 5: 25-32

Love in a marriage seems as natural as breathing for the wife. But for the husband, love in the marriage is a determined act of his will. Yes, love is an emotion; yet, for many men in the earlier years of the relationship, it is the “love of the chase.” This is why some men never grow up and keep chasing other women after being married. Yahuah יְהוֹוָה's command for a man to love his wife is more than an emotion, a feeling, or a game. It is a determined act whereby he must direct his energies for the specific purpose to provide for, to protect, and to be passionate toward his wife.

Some men provide well and are willing to lay down their lives to protect. This is sacrificial love. However, they regard conjugal sex as one of the benefits for having done the first two. Little do they know that  יְהוֹוָה commands them also to be a passionate, intimate husband. It is part of  יְהוֹוָה's plan for the husband to “love” his wife. There is not a wife who doesn't want her husband to desire her for being a woman. This is where the game is carried on into the marriage. She wants to be pursued and desired before she catches him. The husband must learn to keep chasing his wife, even though he is caught.

Fundamentally, the number one need of a wife in a marriage is
love. The husband is commanded to meet this need. By loving his wife, he provides her a home, the resources to live, and a safe and secure place for her and the children. By loving her emotionally, he assures and comforts her, shielding her from fear and harm. By loving her physically, he proves that his attentions and focus are on her and she is secure in his desires.

The commandment to love his wife means that the husband is to commit his energy, resources, creativity, and attention, and to focus on his wife. It is more than just provision and protection. Loving a wife means preferring her above ALL others.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 5.  

The Wife is commanded by  יְהוֹוָה to respect her husband.

Eve's sin was first and foremost not believing and obeying הוֹוָה's instructions(Torah). If she had heeded יְהוֹוָה's command, in her role as wife, things could have come out differently. What does Scripture teach:
Wives, submit [ ὑποτάσσω hupotassō hoop-ot-as'-so From G5259 and G5021; to subordinate; reflexively to obey: - be under obedience (obedient), put under, subdue unto, (be, make) subject (to, unto), be (put) in subjection (to, under), submit self unto.] yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto הוֹוָה.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Messiah (Christ) is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Messiah (Christ), so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.-- Ephesians 5: 22-24

Let's look at this another way. Instead of the word “obey” amplifying the phrase “be subject to” or the word “submit,” let's use the word “respect.” Now let's restate the commandment. Wives, respect your husband, just as you respect יְהוֹוָה. That changes something dramatically. Instead of the ultimatum to obey (like a lowly slave), respect opens the door to balance and understanding. Respect is something given in measure to being respectable. Respect is in parallel with love and honor. Obedience does not require love or honor; however, respect does require them.

The number one complaint of wives is that they can't, and consequently don`t, and finally won't respect their husbands. It is very difficult for them to do so when the husband continues to do things not worthy of respect, from their point of view. A husband who does not provide, protect, or show passionate love for his wife is on thin ice for respectability. But oft times, the man does provide and protect, he is faithful and desires his wife. However, his wife treats him in a very disrespectful manner simply because he is a man. Wives who do this should think back to how their mother treated their father; many times this is a pattern and it is learned behavior.

This is why יְהוֹוָה commands wives to respect their husbands. Wives must make a determined decision to accomplish this. It takes energy and a clear will to do so. Instead of holding your husband to an artificial standard of respect (he does everything I want him to do), a wife should come to know her husband for the true goodness that is in him.

Ephesians 5:26 will culminate in a future work revealed in Ephesians 5:27 where it is said that Messiah has the goal:
“that he might present the church to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

As the loving husband’s role is help to sanctify his wife, then that must mean that there is a need for changes in her life; she needs something and it is necessary to nourish her; the husband has no option even if she resists him. The tendency is to mollify and placate his wife and never on pain of death suggest she should be anything other than reinforced, rewarded, validated. There is also the thought: she fine just the way she is. He knows how bad things would be if he did anything else and how very capably she can and will make him suffer.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her... She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. -- Mishlei (Proverbs) 31:11

Trust must be built. The husband is not going to share his heart (weaknesses, dreams, goals) until he knows they will not be turned against him.

Fundamentally, the number one need of a man in a marriage is respect. The wife is commanded to meet this need. The commandment to respect your husband means praising your husband, both to him and to others, and submitting to his leadership, guidance, and judgment. Even if he makes a mistake and is wrong. He will learn.

This is how men learn every day at their jobs. A wife who believes she needs to teach her husband by correcting him only succeeds in embarrassing him. When a wife disrespects her husband with critical words, treats him with disdain, and holds him in contempt, she destroys her primary source of provision and protection from יְהוֹוָה. She also breaks יְהוֹוָה`s commandment to respect him. When a wife learns how to respect (be subject to, submit, and obey) her husband, he'll treat her like a thoroughbred, instead of a nag.

The wife's role then is to obey the Torah and allow her husband to take the lead, allowing him to love her through nuturing, guiding and helping her to grow in Messiah.

 

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 6.

The Husband and Wife become joint heirs to life.

And the rib, which  יְהוֹוָה had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. --Bereishis (Genesis) 2: 22

Eve was taken from her husband's side; therefore, a wife's rightful place is at her husband's side.

A wife's's need for love can only be met fully by her husband. The husband's need for respect can only be met fully by his wife. When both these needs are being met; life is good and wonderful. When one of the needs is not being met; the passion of love becomes the passion of anger and hate. It leads to treachery; hate; and can last long after the divorce. When both needs are met, the home is a pleasant place for all.


Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house:
thy children like olive plants round about thy table. -- Tehillim (Psalms) 128: 3

To be a joint heir means to share in the same heritage and inheritance. Husbands and wives are joined together, they become part of the same household with the same Heavenly Father. Marriage is a reuniting the man and woman together as they were in the beginning. This is marriage based on spiritual understandings.

There is a fundamental difference between a secular and spiritual marriage. A secular marriage is a shared proposition. It's a mutually agreeable contract. Sometimes, these marriages stay together simply because they don't have any other choice.  The spiritual point of view for marriage is one that embraces the author of marriage. It is one where both the husband and the wife are under the authority of
 יְהוֹוָה(Yahuah;Yahweh). But the bottom line is this: a spiritual marriage is where the husband and wife know they were destined for each other. They also share in the same problems and joys of life. They make their “choice” for each other believing it is  יְהוֹוָה Yahuah's will.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 7

A Wife is  יְהוֹוָה’s grace to the Husband.

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of  יְהוֹוָהYahuah.
-- Mishlei (Proverbs) 18: 22

The favor mentioned here is unmerited favor or grace from  יְהוֹוָה. That means that men don't deserve all the good they receive from their wives. This is simply a truth that wise men come to learn. Even more so, when a wife truly understands that she was presented by the Lord for her husband, she develops wisdom.

House and riches are the inheritance of fathers and a prudent wife is from  יְהוֹוָהYahuah.
--Mishlei (Proverbs) 19: 14

The most important and vital things of life come from  יְהוֹוָהYahuah. When a man finally becomes wise enough to actually stop and smell the roses, he will do so after getting a dozen of them for his wife. The more times he stops to smell the roses, the wiser he will get.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 8.

The Wife is the most powerful influence over her Husband.

And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. -- Bereishis (Genesis) 3: 12

Adam was more persuaded to seek the pleasure of his wife than to seek the pleasure of  יְהוֹוָה. A Godly man must learn quickly how powerful his wife is over him with her charms and tears. A Godly wife must learn quickly not to misuse and harm her husband in trying to get what she wants.

Allow me to share a word picture that illustrates this point. A husband is like the captain of a sailing ship. He directs his resources and uses skill to raise and lower his sails, he sets a course for distant ports, and he determines what cargo he will carry or trade.
 
But his wife is the wind in his sails. His wife can be unsupportive and very still. No matter how many sails he unfurls, nor how great his mast might be, no wind means he just sits and floats. If his wife is stormy and objectionable, the ship is in a storm with sails torn and masts broken. Many ships are lost at sea because of a hurricane that rose up. But a steady ship in a steady breeze can sail on a great adventure.

Simply said, a husband is the captain of his ship, but his wife is the wind in his sails. It doesn't take much of a breeze for the ship to move. I can assure you that if a wife just blows in her husband's ear, his sails will catch that breeze.

Some wives think that the best way to “help” the captain is by grabbing the ships wheel and setting the course they want. This is really mutiny and results in the ship going in circles. My counsel is in line with my word picture. If the wife really wants to have the ship sail a particular way, then give him a favorable breeze in that direction. He'll sail that way and will look for breezes that ultimately lead him to his destination, too. The greatest joy that a captain can feel is to be one with the wind; in this instance his wife.

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. -- Mishlei (Proverbs) 12:4

The greatest harm that can be done to any man is done by his wife. Men can insult men over and over; it just makes them mad and they get “tougher.” When a wife shames her husband, she impales his heart.

Most wives are not trying to shame or embarrass their husbands. They are trying to motivate and stimulate their husbands, who seem unresponsive to them. The mistake of embarrassment is really unintentional; it just happens. It happens because wives have twisted a major Biblical instruction. Wives (mothers) are to teach their children and serve their husbands. Too often, wives serve their children and attempt to teach their husbands.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 9.

Marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
 
-- Bereishis (Genesis) 2:25

In joining together the  husband and wife also have an opportunity to procreate a new person; a child, and pass on the legacy.


Until the day comes that you, the husband, are totally ravished with your wife, you have not fallen in love with her. Until the day comes that you can not even imagine how another woman could satisfy you like your wife does, you have not yet obeyed the commandment to love your wife like יְהוֹוָה loves us all.

18: Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19: Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. -- Mishlei (Proverbs) 5: 18-19

There is a world of difference between lust and passion. Lust is sin and a loss of self-control; passion is a fire that forms the very metal of marriage.

 Men are highly visual and imaginative creatures when it comes to sex. They perceive a direct link in their sexual energy with the very energy of life.

Wives like to have sex in marriage also, but not like a man. Wives view marital sex differently. What wives really want in marital sex is romance and passion.

Notice that the Scripture has its own dramatic way of illustrating marital romance and passion. First the man leads and the wife responds.

6: How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!
7: This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
8: I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
9: And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.
10: I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.
-- Ketuvim (Song of Solomon) 7: 6-10

A Biblical marriage is a sexually intimate and passionate relationship. The satisfaction, fulfillment, joy and pleasure are part of  יְהוֹוָה's plan for the marriage. You don't have to be an expert at the very beginning of the marriage. Many believe that the very learning experience of sexual intimacy is part of the lifetime of joy in marriage. Marital sexuality is a life-changing-experience and part of the changing-of-life-experience.

In today’s crumbling marriages, many husbands begin looking elsewhere due to a lack of frequent sex; lusting after another. While wives are looking for new excitement. She wants what she can not have.

And the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, and she took of its fruit and ate.-- Bereishis (GENESIS) 3:6

And Aḏam was not deceived, but the woman, having been deceived, fell into transgression.
-- 1 TIMOTHY 2:14

The factor fueling this trend is that many if not most couples in this situation had intimate relationships prior to marriage with other partners during the unscriptural dating process, causing improper comparisons which detract from a husband and wife becoming one, and in particular this involves the wife. A part of ones self is given away in these situations which brings an incompleteness to the marriage.

Women "fall in love" or chemically bond via Oxytocin with men that sexually arouse them by two factors: 1. scent and 2. sexual arousal. Oxytocin is so powerful that after about twenty seconds of perceiving with their nose a man with the "right scent" the woman will begin to Oxytocin bond by developing feelings of trust.
The man may be completely untrustworthy and having only the worst intentions towards the woman but she will be "blindly in love" because of Oxytocin bonding. That is why some women have a difficult time leaving men who abuse them as they are literally addicted. Oxytocin bonding is twice as addictive as heroin! Detoxing from love --not being able to smell the loved one is very painful for women as their brain chemistry and health becomes dependent on his smell. There are exceptions.
This is why fathers need to understand this factor and thus protect their daughters.
Since young men comparatively have much less estrogen than young women they do not oxytocin bond to the same degree. That is why it is easier for men with high testosterone to walk away from intense sexual encounters with women whereas the women are stuck "in love" - Oxytocin bonded!

You can not separate sex from love in a marriage. The argument by an adulterous spouse that it was just sex (lust), but “I really love you” is a totally flawed argument. It simply is not true. Sex and love in marriage are inseparable.

It's human to not obey  יְהוֹוָה`s laws. That's what both men and women are good at. Men not taking on our roles. We'll generally go to a lot of trouble to not obey our Father; as we know it takes effort to obey, but it is rewarding when we are obedient.

SCRIPTURAL PRINCIPLE # 10.

Marriage is the mystery of the Messiah’s relationship with us.

This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Messiah and the church. -- Ephesians 5: 32

The world is full of poets, philosophers and song writers explaining love and marriage to us; but the Scipture surpasses them all. If you will ask any married person, who is committed to their marriage, why they put up with their spouses’ mistakes and quirks, they will give the same answer regardless of gender. “Because, I love them.” It is this love that covers a multitude of sins. This is why  יְהוֹוָה continues to deal with us. He loves us, and His love covers the multitude of our sins.

Let us endeavoured to be living examples, through our marriages, of this concept of the Father's love.